Too much thoughts.

Why I do this….. What should I do in that situation…… Why I said that…. How to tell…..

Overthinking and over analyzing.

A very easy way to ruin happiness. At least, that’s what happens to me.

Soon I’ll start a new job. I should be thrilled, right?

No. I’m scared, because I think of how inexperienced I am, how my language knowledge is bad, how I’m supposed to tell my boss that I have a doctor’s appointment that I sighed up two months ago and will have to be late for work, how to be nice to colleagues, how to look professional, what to say, what to feel, how to not be overwhelmed, how to not get my hopes up…..

Or, weeks ago I met my very good friend. It was super nice meeting, remembering childhood, all the things we experienced together, how our lives haven’t been easy. When I went home, between thoughts about how nice the day was, I had to think that maybe I talked too much about my family’s problems, that maybe I should’ve left earlier, that I didn’t ask enough questions about her life.

It’s so hard to stop it. I know I ruin every good moment, not only good moment, but any moment by doing this.

My brains can’t shut up.

The only time, at least I think, I can’t do it is when I’m super tired and drunk.

It’s making me sick, I can’t do anything without getting myself worried, ashamed, doubtful and what not.

Practice to stop it? I don’t have patience. I try, but…. Another thought to analyze comes into mind.

Why there can’t be “sleep” button for mind?

 

Doctor, listen…..

How do you tell your doctor and convince him/her that you might be suffering from depression? How to admit that you might need help?

People admit that they feel burned out (which doesn’t mean that they are depressed but quite often it goes together), yet are afraid to admit to their co-workers, bosses, even themselves.

They feel like they need help, that the way how they’re feeling is not okay. No self help books help because they simply cannot concentrate while reading them. Exercising help only for that hour or so and half an hour after it. Eating healthy takes too much energy which they already don’t have. Good night sleep? Yeah, sleep 8 hours and nope, not so much energy anyway.

People are afraid of speaking up about such problems, because the judgemental crap that pours over them is hurtful.

But doctors should listen to their patients.

Bosses should listen to their workers.

People simply should listen and STOP give dumb advice (go out more, exercise, read this book, eat this, etc)*.

 

 

*If those advice helps someone, good! No one is the same.

 

 

All at once. It’s too much

When everything happens at once.

I have a job which I started very recently.

But before it, I sent out more CVs. The job I have now answered first, so I took it.

And now the other ones are finally answering.

And I’m freaking out.

I get super, duper, uber nervous when I have to make big choices. I’m bad at taking risks. At some point, I took the first job so I can begin to pay back my student loan. Because I was afraid that the other places won’t call back and I don’t want to miss payments.

What do I do? How I keep my mind straight? How to make choices?

 

If any of my future/current employers reads this, yes, decisions are tough for me. I need a guidance, I need assurance that it’s okay to be insecure. I’m young and just got my first job. I’m shy and introvert and I want to cry when being overwhelmed. It’s what I did after my first day at work. I cried. I wanted to leave. But, here I am, after few days still there, still working, getting used to the place, slowly getting better at it. I keep fighting.

Please, kick me out of comfort zone?

I can be such a coward.

It’s been a while since I want to dye my hair. Not even all of them, but have like a peek-a-boo highlights in blue or green colour (or fuchsia, but maybe that’s too bright for me).

Yesterday I saw a blue hair colour, I checked it out,it wasn’t like really permanent, and I even considered buying it, but…… I put it back on the shelf.

Why? Because I don’t know if I could pull it off. Though the bigger concern was that I have no idea how to use it. Zero.

And now I just keep thinking about it, that maybe I should have bought it, maybe I could even find a person who would dye my hair the way I want.

I sort of want to do something that I have never done. Get out of my comfort zone….

If someone would tell me, let’s do this, they’d have to listen to me saying no. no. no. no, but then I’d reach a moment where I’d go “Let’s do this!”

😀

?

The typical struggle of my life.

Yesterday I said I’d like to hang out, make dinner together, but today…..

I don’t. I don’t want to be around people any more. I was in class, I talked to people and now I just want to go buy ice-cream and be in my room.

And it sort of makes me feel bad.

And I don’t know what to do. What the right thing to do.

 

The Mind SPA day

Even the strongest needs a time out.

Today I feel bad, not only physically, but also mentally. It just one of those days when I woke up and realized that I really, really just want to stay in the bed. Just stay home or go somewhere,  favourite place, and do what I like to do, shop, draw, sleep, cry (it’s okay to do it). I sort of regret that I just didn’t tell that I’m feeling bad and stayed in my room the all day, instead I just ditched (not really, they knew I was feeling bad) the last lesson. And sadly, I know it won’t be enough for me to feel better.

Once a while the mind needs to relax, get some cleaning. You start to notice that you barely can hold yourself together, can’t concentrate, hate the place you are in, hate your school, work, everything, get angry at everything. You know those feelings will pass, but for now, you just want to shut down. Take few steps back and re-charge. Exactly, re-charge.

I call those days mental health days.

Re-charging is so important. You can’t use your computer when the battery is dying, so why force your mind work, try to squeeze out the energy when the battery is low.  But works, schools, universities and homes doesn’t understand that. And seem surprised that ‘the always happy, always strong or always present person’ suddenly wants to ditch the place. Yes, even those people sometimes need a day out, where do you think they get their energy? Unicorns? It should a compulsory thing at those places that when you feel this low, you can call in and tell “I’m taking my mental health day”. And they should go “Good! We’ll see you back tomorrow, happy and re-charged. Have a wonderful day!” Of course, it can’t work at any place, doctors, fire-fighters maybe can’t have such day, but other places, where it’s possible, why you still don’t have this day?

Why not wind down and have that day on weekends?

I’d say it’s because most of the time it’s because you simply can’t wait till the end of the week. You need it now. You can’t do your job if your mind is in the cosmos and all you can think is blank pages and clouds.

 

Taking such day is a sign of strong mind, self-respect and love. You love yourself because you take care of your mind. Mental health is as important as physical health if not even more important. If your mind doesn’t work properly, then your health will just go down. Now I remember that my class teacher in high school told us that if we ever feel low, we can call her and take this mental health day, and our absence will be justified. I never took those days, because I thought that I need to be at school, I can’t miss a day. Now I think how stupid that was.

If everyone would be so understanding…. Then maybe people wouldn’t lie that their head, stomach hurts but truly admit that their mind hurts.

People more and more open up about their struggle with mental illnesses. And famous people who admit their fight and inspire others to do it too (I’m looking at you, Jared Padalecki and also Jensen Ackles). Depression, social anxiety, schizophrenia….. It can happen to anyone. No one chooses that, no one wants that, it just strikes you.

That’s why I ask everyone, take care of your mind just like you take care of your body. Pamper it, let it run around naked, don’t over work it. And when you feel like you can’t take no more, just take a mental health day (I need to come up with a cooler name).

How about, “The mind spa day”? “Naked mind day”?

 

 

Please, can you…..?

Some people are taught to do this. Some are not.

Why it’s hard to ask for help?

Is it because people hate weak people? Because they don’t want to deal with other people’s problems? Because asking for help for some people is a sign of weakness? Or is it because other people mock one’s problems? Think that they aren’t problems? Is it because one is ashamed? Is it because they have given up on people, because previous they didn’t get any help, when they asked for it? Because one is taught to deal with one’s problems by himself?

Yet, they constantly remind us that it is important to open up, speak about issues.

I truly hate that “You can’t be sad, because there’s someone who has it worse than you.” It’s ridiculous. And painful. I get that there are people who has it worse, but right now, at this very damn moment, MY problem is eating ME. “You can’t be happy, because someone else somewhere is happier.”

It should be put in a big, bold, neon pink (or whichever colour suits the wall) that asking for help is absolutely normal, necessary and good. Very good. Underneath with a smaller font goes “It is not weakness, it’s actually showing how STRONG you are.”

And next to this should go “It’s forbidden to mock, laugh at, say any other stupid phrase, when a person asks you for help.”

No matter how strong we are, how much we’re able to deal with problems, hardships by ourselves, sometimes (anytime when we feel it’s necessary), we must, need, should, can ask for help. Even for small things, like, pass something from that high shelf at the shop (short people problems), or for big things, like, ask for help when you realize you can’t deal with your inner demons by yourself.