Wired up and no peace

Suddenly…..
It’s here. Again. 
Anxiety attack. Sometimes mixed with panic attack. 
Trying to catch a breath, thoughts running and I just can’t put myself together. Shaking, not being able to sit calmly. Thinking that I’m sick, that I’ll die, everything hurts. 
Anxiety attacks have become part of my life. Lately I have them almost every day. Panic attacks come a bit less.  

While for some this may seem as “JUST CALM DOWN! YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!” thing, for me it means missed work, events and life as such. I’ve canceled plans just because I couldn’t stop crying and feeling powerless. 
It’s tiring. This morning I woke up with fast beating heart, thoughts spinning and making me physically sick that I couldn’t eat. Which also something that happens when the attack comes – I can’t eat. That makes me worried about my weight, and that’s another worry added to the pile of worries. 
My heart constantly beats too fast. I want to sleep because I barely have any energy.
Meditation helps, at least, some exercises eases the moment. 
I have a magic pill that calms, but as my doctor said, it’s better to learn to control it without chemicals. 
I haven’t seen therapist though it’s always suggested. Why? Because the idea itself makes me sick, I try to look up one but my racing mind finds hundreds of other things to think of and I put the appointment off. It’s another thing that I do. I put things off because I think it’s too much, I don’t actually need that, I’ll manage without it. I bought sport’s shoes in January, thinking that I’ll start going to gym. It’s august and the shoes are still in the box, never used.

Why I have those attacks? Good question. When I have too much on my plate, my body reacts this way. Screams that I need to stop and think and finally do. I’m wired up. Thinking how I have to be perfect, thinking about future, money, relationships. Feeling the need to control life, even though it’s obvious that I’m not in control. That’s the issue, I want to be in control. When you’ve been let down by other people, especially as a kid, now when I have the chance to take care of my life, I want to control it. 

Everyone is going through something. 
Mental health issues are not talked about enough.
We don’t see them as quite often people who have them, don’t show it. How many times I’ve heard that I look so calm, yet no one knows that inside I’m shaking. That minutes, hours ago I was laying on the ground, not wanting to get up and wishing that at least for a moment I could be free.

 

I’m sorry I didn’t drown.

Why am I even trying?

Why I didn’t drown when I had the chance? 

I’m too tired.

I want to apologize to my parents that I was born as they never seemed to know what to do with me. 

Responsibility for them is something they can only talk about. When they were my age, everything was given to them. Money was no issue. Therefore now, they have no idea what to do with their miserable lives. They hope someone will come and fix everything, give them stuff, help them.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents. 

But I wish that for once they’d take some responsibility. I can’t do everything on my own, but seems like I have to. 

Great. 

I’m sorry I didn’t drown.

Sunday.

It’s Sunday and I hate Sundays. 

I hate myself too. But that’s fine. 

I woke feeling like I again don’t want to get out of bed. In the middle of the day I finally did it. Mom came back from beach and she had lot of pieces of amber, said I should go too. But with my headache and stomach ache I doubt I want to go anywhere, even though I know a walk could help me. But it’s too nice weather outside which means that woods and beach will be full of people. And I don’t want to be around those people. 

I really want to become silent. Zero talk, only listen, nod and say phrases people want to hear. 

It sucks to live with parents. But it’s not like it’d be better if I lived alone, but if I were alone, I wouldn’t ruin anyone else’s mood. I can’t talk to my parents about how I feel, mom will start to tell how she feels and I can’t talk anything emotional with dad. 

I need hugs. But then again, it would make me emotional and I don’t want that. No emotions. 

Whatever. Tomorrow I’ll be fine again, right?

Waiting for bus

It’s a rainy evening, I’m waiting for a bus. The one that should be here never waits for the train so I have 30 minutes to sit and think about my life.

Is this how’s it’s gonna be? Will I ever have something normal?

My chest hurts from all the stress I had today. At one point at work my body just went into this “overwhelmed” mode. I couldn’t pull myself together. All I wanted was to grab my bag, coat and leave without looking back. It was too much. Yet, if I don’t have a job, I don’t know what can I do… I blame myself for not being a good specialist. I help people, at least sort of, it makes me feel good.

Now, wind blows in my face, I’m cold and tired, and I think “This is what I have for a life. I deserve this. It’s fine. I gave up dreams time ago.” It’s true, I don’t want my dreams anymore. They don’t matter, they’re for someone else. I’ll be fine with scraps. I’ve been cold since I remember myself. It’s either home that is cold, parents couldn’t buy warm enough clothes. Though, that’s one thing I want to change, I’ve bought myself boots and now I’m looking for a warm coat. But I doubt it’ll warm up the coldness in my chest.

Everything is gray. My mind is gray too. I hate my mind because there’s still hope. I don’t want it. I want to be “normal”. Yet, I hate myself for wanting to give up. I’m so split that it’s driving me crazy. Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I hate myself.

I’m lonely. But we already knew that. It won’t change.

My mind drives me to dark places. As I write this, I’m angry at myself for crying. For me, crying is weakness, I’ve been mocked for crying so now, I hate crying. I sometimes get this strange feeling of lightness, it scares me.

But soon, when I’m out of bus, I’ll put on my smiley face, everything will be fine. My inner world won’t touch you, I won’t let you see it.

To the person from my home country, who regularly seems to check in here, if you know me, don’t worry. I’m fine. Last thing I want is to someone, whom I don’t pay to listen and deal with me, is to worry about me. Do not do that.

Monday blues.

Stress made me ill.

The week was too horrible, too stressful, too much.

On Sunday I felt dreadful of Monday. This is the first time in this job when I felt this terrible just because I had to go to work. So on Monday (though already on Sunday) I woke up ill. Thank my immune system, it’s nothing very serious but scared me anyway. I stayed home for two days. Spent money on pills, thank you insurance for paying for hospital.

Honestly, I didn’t want to return to work. Maybe it was just last week that took everything out of me. I didn’t sleep enough, I didn’t drink enough water, I didn’t walk enough (though I used a scooter). I didn’t do enough. I wasn’t enough at work too. I work in customer service, IT support, and there were days when I couldn’t help them, even on the

I wasn’t enough at work too. I work in customer service, IT support, and there were days when I couldn’t help them, even on the easiest thing. It made me believe that I wasn’t smart enough. I wasn’t helpful enough. On Friday I almost took it out on my co-workers. Everything annoyed me, I was so frustrated that I could’ve punched someone. Would that have helped? I doubt. See, in this work, we’re asked to work faster, answer calls for a shorter time, solve more and more cases. I have to switch between two languages. Already that is making everything harder. Brains sometimes overheat. Then comes all the thousands of programs, errors, problems we need to solve. Impatient customers, customers who don’t listen. In the beginning, when I started to work, it was easier. Now, our management makes us do more, for example, answer about access rights, even though there’s a SPECIFIC group for that, but, oh, they don’t want to deal with those questions. If only they had made instructions for managers about how to do THEIR job. Yeah, we often have to teach people how to do their damn job. Funny enough, even we don’t have enough instructions, quite often we improvise and guess what we should do. Then comes the program updates which usually cause more problems than solving them. Or the new programs, those often don’t work properly so again, we cannot work fast.  Also, we don’t have enough people, some 7 people left and what, only, 3 are hired. Doesn’t seem too horrible but the amount calls of are increasing. According to law, every two hours we are allowed to take 15 minutes break but do you think it’s possible? No. Of course, those who work on the other language line, they can do it. But for us 5 people? Pretty much no. Because we work on two lines. Very effing fair. See the difference, there are 15 people, some of them work on two lines, one of them calls a bit less. Then there’s the 6 (5 because one is the ‘elder’ and answers calls less) and we have to work on two lines, on one of them, the original I was hired for, call quite a lot. So, we don’t have time to relax. Lunch time is all we have. The noise, the damned open space office, I cannot hear the customer, I have to repeat everything twice or I cannot hear what the customer says.

I want to call it a poor management.

Now, I try to think what to do to not be in this situation again. I guess I’ll take my 15 minutes break matter how long the call line is. I’ll take fewer calls if that’s the way how to save my health. Not worry that much (pharmacy, here I come, I need sedatives).

I could try to speak more about it. But no one wants to hear it. I told about the noise but all I got was “You’ll get used to it”.

As much as I like the place, the people, the paycheck (not big enough for all the work we do), I don’t think it’s sane to stay there long. It’s a great place to learn and I have learned a lot, this is an amazing experience but I cannot kill myself (nervous breakdown every other Friday isn’t healthy) because of work.

I wish more people would understand that. ESPECIALLY THE ONES WHO ARE IN CHARGE OF THEIR EMPLOYEES. HR do your job!! Or does IT Support need to teach you that?

How to be….

People ask how to become more optimistic. How to become more happy.

I want to know how to stop care. How to stop dream about better world and life. How to see more reality. How to not feel. How to give up aspirations and hopes.

How to be dead inside.

I’m sick and tired of people.

I’m better on my own. Well, not better but at least that the only person who’ll let me down is me.

Or people will be better without me.

No motivation weekends

Honestly, sometimes I wish I could work 7 days a week. I don’t need weekends because I usually spend them doing nothing even though I should do a lot of things. So, why spend them doing nothing….

So, just another empty weekend.

 

I’m no bright person, I’m too plain for that

I used to think I’m not the grey mass, that I’m more than that.

Now, I realize that I’m plain, gray and barely stand out of the mass.

Yeah, I sometimes wear bright tights, like wool jackets and smile when I want to cry. But doesn’t make me stand out.

People don’t look at me, they barely see me. I don’t wear make up because I’m too tired to do it. I don’t smile, I look sad and tired.

Just yesterday I walked around beauty exhibition, well, it was dedicated to beauty products, cosmetics and hair stuff. And out of all the places I stopped by to see some products, get more info, only three people came over and talked to me. But if someone who was all pretty and nice came to them, sales person just jumped to them and happily told everything. Sure, I could’ve asked myself, but with social anxiety, talking to strangers first causes me headache.

But there I reminded myself, I’m no bright person I used to think I am. I’m becoming the gray mass.

Should I start to buy dark clothes so I would just stop trying to be bright? I think I should.

 

I earn, others spend it.

I still live with my parents.

And I’m the only one who actually earns money.

It feels ‘so good.’ I buy animals their food, I’m about to pay for veterinarian, because they don’t think a doctor is even necessary.

I give mom money for the internet, electricity and food. Though not every evening there’s a nice meal on the table.

But at the same time, I know that guilt will eat me alive if I won’t do it. If I won’t give them part of my money.

And I’m too tired to even think of a place of my own.

 

Background brain process

I think it’s been almost two months with constant stress.

But only one month my hair is falling out badly. But this isn’t what I want to write about. Another time.

Stress, stress and more stress.

Even when I feel relatively calm, I feel the buzz in me. It really is like a background process on computer. You don’t see it, you know it’s doing something.

See, I quit my job and got a new job. Previous one was nice, but it didn’t pay well for 8 hours on feet. And boss was emotional vampire. The new job scares me, because I absolutely have no previous experience, I’m not very confident, it’s sometimes too fast for me.

Stress all the time. It’s eating me alive and makes me want to quit everything and go back to my bed. Yeah, yeah, I know I should relax, get my sh__ together, and that stress can be good. But…. I’m trying. And I can’t get rid of the that constant thrumming in my body.

Sometimes when I think I’m calm, I think I’ll have good night sleep, ha! I realize that thrumming is there, that it’s always there. Heart beats fast, brains tries to move as fast and there I am, stressing over stressing and life, work, health.

Should I try yoga? Meditation? Boxing? What an impatient, emotional creature can do to stop stressing over everything?