Read a quote. II

After a storm comes a calm.

– Matthew Henry

Yes but also no.

After the storm comes the coldness and then it gets better. Which is sort of calm but you still need to deal with the aftermath.  Yet, the storm can bring you somewhere worse and the calm is even scarier because you cannot tell what will follow, the eery calmness is intimidating.

In nature before the storm everything gets quiet, birds stop singing, it feels like the motion around you is on pause. Therefore could also say it’s calm. But this calmness doesn’t bring good, it brings the storm.

Sure, in a lot of cases when life gets into the stormy phase, afterwards comes smooth calm time. That is great if that happens, I know for sure. Storm teaches about ourselves, friends and family. Storm can show a lot. Storm shakes us, breaks us apart, brings somewhere else (might be a great place, might be an even worse storm), but never lets us relax. Calm, well, it does the same, I cannot disagree, but there’s something about that calm period that irks me. During calm, you can go into sort of brain dead state, no worries, no fights, no movement. Calm waters cannot move a sailboat. People’s heads are wrapped in blanket and bubble wrap. Though this state mostly happens to people who have born into calm. Those who have been born into the storm, we know how to live in both storm and calm. Though surely, we appreciate more the calm time, when we truly need to relax and sit down to breathe.

What does storm mean? Does it mean bad times, horrible days and ruined lives? Maybe it’s the action, the fight for something, the movement?

Do we need to look at the storm as a harmful phase or we could see it the phase full of opportunities?

Why does calm is considered good? There are cases when calm is the worst thing that could happen. Still, calm is one thing that we need to look for as it’s necessary for our wellbeing. Ships cannot go into storm all the time, (I live next to the sea so that’s why references to boats) sometimes the best act to do is stay on the shore.

One quote, so many questions.

Human – a number on the paper.

Humans have become numbers.

In everything human wants to see numbers.

Not humanity, kindness, how many people this could help.

Stats, stats, money, income, percents, spendings, more stats, grades, digit this, digit that…. etc, etc.

I know, I know, we need those things. But why numbers become more important than people? Humanity? Nature? Health?

We tend to see numbers first only then the human behind. I’m not here talking about price tags even though those are important too.

Look at this person, he has 3 higher educations, 10 years of work experience,5 publications. Do we care that he’s incredibly rude to his team? Mmm, not so much, he’s bringing up the stats!

Look at this company, earning millions every year, spending some too, but it’s for good publication. Do we care that employees are always stressed out, working in unhealthy work conditions, paying less than the employees in another country? What? We don’t need to talk about it, look at the stats! Look at that country,

Look at that country, its GDP is growing so fast! Do we care that its people are leaving the country because of corruption, high taxes, dumb government, unemployment? BUT LOOK AT THE GDP!

Look at that person, he has so many facebook and instagram followers, this person must be earning so much money! Do we care that the person is lonely (this isn’t me I’m talking about, I have like 20 instagram followers), pressured always look perfect and keep mouth shut? HEY, BUT THE FOLLOWERS AND MONEY!!!

Behind those numbers are people. If people become less important than numbers then something’s wrong.

If those numbers are doing nothing good to people then why they’re so important? Why do we don’t look behind those numbers?

H&M shirt costs only 5 euros, yet people who make them makes next to nothing and are working in awful conditions.

We get angry at McDonald’s employees because they don’t work fast enough (again, time is number), but do we realize that there’s no motivation in them to do things faster, they’re exhausted, they’re pressured to do almost impossible things,  they’re asked to reach high numbers while working 12 hours without being paid decently. (This time I won’t go into a question, why do they work there, then?)

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me who’s upset about this. Maybe it’s just me who cares more about people I help and not how fast I do do it. I just don’t want to be treated as just another number in the papers, as another damn expense.

 

In my bones.

I can be on my own, I don’t need people, right?

Pretty much all my life I’ve been alone. Family barely having time for me, in school first few years I sort of had friends, one of them constantly used me because I’m a kind, weak soul. After moving, there were no friends and family, as usual, had no time for me. Expect for a dad who tried to check my homework, but it usually ended with me crying.

So, I pretty much have been alone all my life. And I thought that I’m fine with that, which is sort of true.

Yet, this has made isolate myself. As I’ve previously mentioned, I am socially isolating myself. Just today, my brother came over with his family and I pretty much ignored them. I was trying to clean my room. Trying because it always ends with me being angry at myself that I can’t even clean a damn room, so I throw all the clothes back on the ground. Here’s a fun fact though, I think from all those times my brother&co came over, only one time he came to my room. All the other times, nothing. They don’t even invite me to eat with them. Today they were eating and my dad came over to ask me if I wanted to join them, I said no. Stubborn me.

It’s so annoying, that on one hand, I want to join them even though I barely can have a normal conversation with them, on the other hand, I want to ignore him just like he ignores me and my sister. Sometimes I feel like he thinks he’s superior to us. Maybe he is, who am I to think that I’m something in this family. Never have been, never will be.

I’m the youngest and least visible to any relative. If they meet me know, most of them keep saying the same crap “Oh, I remember you when you were 10….. I feel like you just graduated 9th grade…..” Surprise, I also grow up. Sorry, I haven’t made any big scandals, caused trouble and I’m paying my own university debt, unlike my siblings. Whenever I meet those people, it just proves my point even more, that I’m not really part of my own family.

So, how can I feel like I’m part of something if it’s in my core that I’ll never part of anything? I don’t know. I can be in a middle of a crowd and feel lonely. Then I hate myself for not trying hard enough. It always ends up with me hating myself.

According to scientists, lonely people die faster than others. So, maybe I won’t have to be lonely for long because I simply will die soon. Makes me feel relieved (this is sarcasm).

But to admit loudly, in words, that I’m lonely? Hah! Never. No one will hear that from my mouth in a conversation. Because what responses would I get – “You should go out more. You have a family. You could join something. You could do this and that.” Guess what? I’ve been thinking about those things, but they don’t help, it only deepens my self-hatred.

This feeling of loneliness is in my bones, it’s who I am. Maybe it’s too early to say so, but if I continue like this, I will die alone. And before I do that, I’d have a note – “No need to show up at my funeral. I’m fine on my own.”

No motivation weekends

Honestly, sometimes I wish I could work 7 days a week. I don’t need weekends because I usually spend them doing nothing even though I should do a lot of things. So, why spend them doing nothing….

So, just another empty weekend.