Too much thoughts.

Why I do this….. What should I do in that situation…… Why I said that…. How to tell…..

Overthinking and over analyzing.

A very easy way to ruin happiness. At least, that’s what happens to me.

Soon I’ll start a new job. I should be thrilled, right?

No. I’m scared, because I think of how inexperienced I am, how my language knowledge is bad, how I’m supposed to tell my boss that I have a doctor’s appointment that I sighed up two months ago and will have to be late for work, how to be nice to colleagues, how to look professional, what to say, what to feel, how to not be overwhelmed, how to not get my hopes up…..

Or, weeks ago I met my very good friend. It was super nice meeting, remembering childhood, all the things we experienced together, how our lives haven’t been easy. When I went home, between thoughts about how nice the day was, I had to think that maybe I talked too much about my family’s problems, that maybe I should’ve left earlier, that I didn’t ask enough questions about her life.

It’s so hard to stop it. I know I ruin every good moment, not only good moment, but any moment by doing this.

My brains can’t shut up.

The only time, at least I think, I can’t do it is when I’m super tired and drunk.

It’s making me sick, I can’t do anything without getting myself worried, ashamed, doubtful and what not.

Practice to stop it? I don’t have patience. I try, but…. Another thought to analyze comes into mind.

Why there can’t be “sleep” button for mind?

 

All at once. It’s too much

When everything happens at once.

I have a job which I started very recently.

But before it, I sent out more CVs. The job I have now answered first, so I took it.

And now the other ones are finally answering.

And I’m freaking out.

I get super, duper, uber nervous when I have to make big choices. I’m bad at taking risks. At some point, I took the first job so I can begin to pay back my student loan. Because I was afraid that the other places won’t call back and I don’t want to miss payments.

What do I do? How I keep my mind straight? How to make choices?

 

If any of my future/current employers reads this, yes, decisions are tough for me. I need a guidance, I need assurance that it’s okay to be insecure. I’m young and just got my first job. I’m shy and introvert and I want to cry when being overwhelmed. It’s what I did after my first day at work. I cried. I wanted to leave. But, here I am, after few days still there, still working, getting used to the place, slowly getting better at it. I keep fighting.

Please, can you…..?

Some people are taught to do this. Some are not.

Why it’s hard to ask for help?

Is it because people hate weak people? Because they don’t want to deal with other people’s problems? Because asking for help for some people is a sign of weakness? Or is it because other people mock one’s problems? Think that they aren’t problems? Is it because one is ashamed? Is it because they have given up on people, because previous they didn’t get any help, when they asked for it? Because one is taught to deal with one’s problems by himself?

Yet, they constantly remind us that it is important to open up, speak about issues.

I truly hate that “You can’t be sad, because there’s someone who has it worse than you.” It’s ridiculous. And painful. I get that there are people who has it worse, but right now, at this very damn moment, MY problem is eating ME. “You can’t be happy, because someone else somewhere is happier.”

It should be put in a big, bold, neon pink (or whichever colour suits the wall) that asking for help is absolutely normal, necessary and good. Very good. Underneath with a smaller font goes “It is not weakness, it’s actually showing how STRONG you are.”

And next to this should go “It’s forbidden to mock, laugh at, say any other stupid phrase, when a person asks you for help.”

No matter how strong we are, how much we’re able to deal with problems, hardships by ourselves, sometimes (anytime when we feel it’s necessary), we must, need, should, can ask for help. Even for small things, like, pass something from that high shelf at the shop (short people problems), or for big things, like, ask for help when you realize you can’t deal with your inner demons by yourself.