Responsibility….

I had such a wonderful weekend.

I stayed at the hotel because I was/ am sick of my home, I went to spa and got a massage, all in all had a great time.

I was in a good mood, felt quite happy, felt pretty…………………….. until few minutes ago. 

Got in an argument with dad. And getting in argument with him is bad. 

But that one sentence, “Don’t talk to me about responsibility,” hit me hard. 

Why? Because it reminds how, what I think, a responsibility for him is something he’d rather not have. I rarely have felt that he actually wants to be responsible for anything. 

For example, I had to get a loan for university, and in order to get it, I needed someone else to vouch(?) for me. For my brother and sister vouched my aunt (rest in peace) and she also paid their loans. Now, as my aunt was gone by the time I started uni, my dad became the only person who could do that for me. I asked my cousin but, thank god, she refused. So, came the last day for the first payment and my dad finally agreed to vouch. The guilt was eating me alive. I felt like I’m a shit person for asking him to do it. 

Another example, how he took responsibility of my grades at school. We just had moved, I started a new school. Here’s a mention, for six years (from my 1st grade) dad lived in different city as he got a new job, so I was pretty much used to live without him. So, now, new school, higher level, I had to study a bit harder. Fine. Only, my desk was in the parents room, I did my homework with a tv as my background noise because it’s what dad liked to do after work. When my dad asked to see my homework, if I even peeked at tv for a second, he got angry. I became such a nervous mess during that time because I was also bullied at school by teachers and students, that on Sunday evenings I would sit in my kitchen, shaking and throwing up. But no one, not even mom took responsibility to understand I was like this or what was wrong. I felt ashamed for being like that. 

Dad’s interpretation of being responsible is to ask mom do things, blame everyone else and feel like he has done sooooo much. 

Mom also is a weak thing who at least tries to be more responsible. 

But this is what you get from two people who were raised with a silver spoon, barely had to work while their parents were alive and after their deaths, couldn’t get their shit together. Also, their marriage were pretty much a set up.

What do I know about responsibility? I have been responsible for my own life since I was a little girl. I was responsible for my lunch (which usually was white bread and sugar as there wasn’t anything else to at the home and no one bothered to teach me to cook) after school during first 6 years, I was responsible for my own school work (here I mean that my mom didn’t pay much attention). I was dealing with my school issues if I had any. 

To tell me that I don’t know anything about responsibility make me feel like everything I’ve done on my own is nothing. 

Who’s taking responsibility of paying bills? Dad? No, me. Who’s paying back the loan? Me and he never gave a cent for it, but dared to ask me if I could pay it back faster so he could close that bank’s account). Who is living with a thought that I can’t rely on anyone else but myself because no one else will ever take responsibility? Me. 

And yet, I feel like a bad person if I getting frustrated, upset for their actions that has directly influenced my life. 

I feel like an ungrateful daughter.

 Sometimes I want to apologize that I didn’t drown when I had the chance. 

I didn’t take responsibility of that. 

Morning

Yesterday I wrote a rather sad post but I woke up today and while I don’t feel very positive, I feel better. Some part of me hates that but other part reminds me that it’s always like this, I can’t stay down forever. 

I’m very used to this. One day I’m sad, depressed but next morning I’m up and thinking, “Naw, life isn’t that bad. Look, sun is shining, I can wear a dress, and go do something good.” Is this normal? Can someone explain why I’m like this? Is it because I’m trying to stay realistically positive? Is it because I don’t want to be a downer? 

I again feel light but this lightness doesn’t scare me, this one has positive light. 
Sometimes I want to stay in that darkness that I had yesterday for a longer time. Ugh, you have no idea. Yet, I can’t. It is still in me in the background but other ideas, emotions and feelings, and creative flashes takes the front page. It’s both annoying and relieving. 

Sadly, I know that in the evening I might be back to the “please, just switch my mind off so I don’t feel anything” mode. 

Me

Amazing…. I think I’ve really have become an utter loner. 

If I have to go anywhere, I want to go alone and not rely on anyone. (Except upcoming cruise trip with ship, I want one person as a company.)

I don’t want to be around people I know.

I don’t want to be dependant on anyone. 

I want to be self sufficient. 

I want to feel like I don’t need anyone else.

I want to be alone. (And since it feels like I’ll be forever alone in dating field, most probably it’ll happen.)

I might be done with people.

Yes, it gets lonely but loneliness is the one feeling that starts to feel normal.

And where does it leave me….

Read a quote. II

After a storm comes a calm.

– Matthew Henry

Yes but also no.

After the storm comes the coldness and then it gets better. Which is sort of calm but you still need to deal with the aftermath.  Yet, the storm can bring you somewhere worse and the calm is even scarier because you cannot tell what will follow, the eery calmness is intimidating.

In nature before the storm everything gets quiet, birds stop singing, it feels like the motion around you is on pause. Therefore could also say it’s calm. But this calmness doesn’t bring good, it brings the storm.

Sure, in a lot of cases when life gets into the stormy phase, afterwards comes smooth calm time. That is great if that happens, I know for sure. Storm teaches about ourselves, friends and family. Storm can show a lot. Storm shakes us, breaks us apart, brings somewhere else (might be a great place, might be an even worse storm), but never lets us relax. Calm, well, it does the same, I cannot disagree, but there’s something about that calm period that irks me. During calm, you can go into sort of brain dead state, no worries, no fights, no movement. Calm waters cannot move a sailboat. People’s heads are wrapped in blanket and bubble wrap. Though this state mostly happens to people who have born into calm. Those who have been born into the storm, we know how to live in both storm and calm. Though surely, we appreciate more the calm time, when we truly need to relax and sit down to breathe.

What does storm mean? Does it mean bad times, horrible days and ruined lives? Maybe it’s the action, the fight for something, the movement?

Do we need to look at the storm as a harmful phase or we could see it the phase full of opportunities?

Why does calm is considered good? There are cases when calm is the worst thing that could happen. Still, calm is one thing that we need to look for as it’s necessary for our wellbeing. Ships cannot go into storm all the time, (I live next to the sea so that’s why references to boats) sometimes the best act to do is stay on the shore.

One quote, so many questions.

Yellow zone out.

There are reasons why I have bright yellow earphones.

First, it’s because it’s spring and I simply wanted something bright and happy.

Second, so people finally would see that I’m listening to music.

But, still, they begin to talk to me when I still have my earphones on. How hard is to notice bright yellow things in my ears? And the wire?

There’s a reason why I listen music. And quite often it’s because I don’t want that small talk about my weekend plans, my thoughts about the meal and so on. Or I simply want to be with my thoughts, just listen my favourite music and feel better.

Sometimes I pretend that I don’t hear them (I hear them, because the volume is quite low), so they’d have to say the same thing twice or three times, and only then I go ‘oh, you said something?’ and take out earphone.

Same thing I do when I’m reading a book or drawing. I zone out. I concentrate on something, so I don’t hear someone trying to say something to me. If you see me busy with something and want to ask something that can wait till I finish my book, work, drawing, please, back off and wait for a moment.

I need my music pauses, I need my book pauses. I need my drawing pauses. I need my zone out. Please, respect that. Don’t look annoyed when I snap at you when you interrupt me. If it’s important, I’ll understand and I’ll answer, no problem with that. But if it’s the bla bla bla question, back off.

The yellow earphones is a bit of a stop sign. So, if you see them on me and I’m not taking them out as you approach, it means I want to listen to 5th, 90th or all of the 700-something songs. Not you.

Oh, and I also got them because they look nice with the red skirt I bought the same day.