Today as I was walking to train after work, a thought wandered in my head. All the way to train station I was, as usual having a discussion with myself about my mental health state. The thought that appeared was – I am socially and emotionally isolating myself.
See, I am an introvert, at least, that’s how I see myself, so spending time alone is a must for me. Therefore it’s quite easy to not see the problem.
How does social isolation feel for me? When you don’t want to see people, yet are upset when no one invites you anywhere. When you want to go out, but then remember how that person, whom you thought could be your friend, let you down, so you think every new person you meet and might like, will do the same. Wanting to newer again meet people, because all they do is give hope and then crush it. That moment when you see a nice event that sounds exciting, but then think that it’d be so stupid to go alone, and since you don’t have friends, might as well not go at all. Isolation when you hear your family having a good time, yet you’re sitting in a room, crying because you feel so damn alone yet cannot fight strength to go hang out with them. When someone actually invites you somewhere, you keep thinking how you just don’t want to go, because it’ll only cause more pain.
Yes, social and emotional isolation is a defence mechanism. At least partially.
Why and how it happened to me? Easy. I moved from one place to another. In the new place, I had no close friends. For 12 year old it’s painful. I joined theatre, yet, still no close friendships. I had big problems in the family, therefore we weren’t close. There were days when I barely spoke in school. Imagine, from 9 to 15, and maybe two words were spoken, and they’re “Good morning” and “Bye” to teachers. I’m shy and quiet in new surroundings, so making friends was extremely hard, especially if most kids already bully you (by ignoring you, not including in any activity). See, I was invisible. I spent a lot of time alone. As I grew, it became a part of my life. Now, more than 10 years later, every time I see a group of friends, my head splits. On one hand, I really, really wish I could have something like that. On another hand, I keep thinking how much of an outsider would I be, how I would lose contact very fast. Because it also what has happened. Those few people whom I managed to let in my life…. well, they are gone. Because I pushed them away. Isolated from them both emotionally and socially. I always think that they don’t care about me, that if they want to meet me, it’s out of politeness. Also, I live sort of crappy place when it comes to going out. I don’t have a car (I have a bicycle, but the chance of it being stolen is far too big). Late night events or events after 21:40 (the last train that has a bus waiting for it) are out. 4km at night through woods ain’t much fun. Yet, as we know, most cool events end after 21:00.
In more specific words and definitions- what is it. It’s when you spend days at home, avoid any social interactions, not talking to close ones or friends, or any people. Though, it’s normal to have days when you don’t want to see anyone, let alone talk, isolation happens when you lock yourself inside for days. When you finally meet people, conversations are sort of empty, superficial. Loneliness and abandonment fears, social anxiety becomes your companions. Then emotional isolation seeps in.
Emotions are locked up, you become “numb” and if someone tries to offer any emotional support, you are unable to receive, you just…. well…. thank and leave.
Realising this is one thing, to fix this is another. I am slowly coming up with a plan. Be more open with people, every month try to attend at least two bigger social events, go out alone more, even if it’s a walk through the city. Maybe even try to find a place to socialise more on the internet. I wish I could have nice discussions, lengthy and smart. I crave for meaningful conversations.
It’s hard to admit that you have this problem, but, I guess, once it’s done, I can begin to think how to deal with it. How to explain to others, so they don’t feel bad (which makes me feel bad, oh, the vicious circle….). I don’t want you to feel bad, I only want you to realise and reach out.
Thoughts that keep me up at night. 